Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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