Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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