I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
