did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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