i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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