Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
