3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A bitchslap is in order.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
