Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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