i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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