I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
