haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
