The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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