return my video game
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
