i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
wow bdsm is so cute
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