Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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