i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
