I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Buhtt sex?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
