She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
