My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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