Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
