My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
