i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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