You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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