I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
