Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
