i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
