im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.