oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
