First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
