We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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