I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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