I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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