No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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