Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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