my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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