Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize