We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
