Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
