Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
