you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
