I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
