The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
