Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
