life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
