Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
