The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
