I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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