the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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