Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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