I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We had sex on a dog bed..
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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