Too much gin, very little bucket
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
