I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
