Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
