My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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