There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You ruined the universe
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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