It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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