Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
