i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
