yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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