I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
