it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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